Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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