I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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