Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
