Don't make out with my wife yet
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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