Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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