In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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