Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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