I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
