Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
