Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
420 ftw
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
