this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
