Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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