I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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