last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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