2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
