Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
