Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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