I can tuck mytits in my pants
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
