Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
