also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
