he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
