How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
