I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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