Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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