My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
