The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
