Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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