Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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