Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
