Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
