dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Randomize
