party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
