i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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