Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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