escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
