I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
