I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
