All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
