The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
