Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
