If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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