why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
