me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
