Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
