At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
