i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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