I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
A+ Viking dick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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