you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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