His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
