Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pants are for mortals
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
