i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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