so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
His nipple licking is glorious
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