these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
