I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
