I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
