I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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