There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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