I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
