so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
