walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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