in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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