is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
